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4/13/13 Your Mistake

Never turn this on me. You are the one with the low self esteem, so much so that you rely on the attention from guys to feel good about yourself. Being friends with 408 is a hypocritical-bitch move and you know it. I feel bad for you, you are trapped in this spot where you have no where to turn except for 408 and care way too much what people think of you and all the while don’t realize the spoiled brat you are. Ya, I may have lost a few more friends because of you, but I will NEVER lose sight of my morals and goals.  

4/5/13 The New and Not So Improved

I can’t believe it has already been a year. On this day exactly one year ago, I lost two members of my family, one was expected, and the other not expected at all. I feel as though I should be better by now, but everything still hurts. I should have written and called my grandpa more than I did, or held his hand while he slept on his final night, but I was scared it would feel cold and lifeless, so I didn’t. That one selfish act, of many, continues to haunt my brain. I could sit here and pinpoint all the great things in my life, but every time I do, I continue to pivot around this day a year ago. That was the moment when my life and my family’s took a drastic change. I remember standing on the median of 12 mile with my mom, voices coarse from shouting Ripley’s name over and over. We just collapsed into each other crying and holding each other. All she said was that she wanted her life back. 

Every night from then on I slept next to her bed for three weeks haunted by the image of my grandpa’s lifeless body roaming towards me. Hours before his death, I remember talking to him about how great my dad was and thanking him for my dad. His eyes began to flutter, revealing the bright blue color of his eyes. When I told my dad, I think him and everyone else thought it scared me, but it didn’t. Rather, it comforted me and gave me a sliver of hope that he might get better. The first night, I decided to lay on the hardwood floor next to my dad and grandpa and aunt sue. Every hour, I woke up to the sound of a room alarm going off, praying that it wasn’t ours. After looking around to examine the room, I dozed back to sleep.The last morning, my dad offered up his cot next to grandpa and I reluctantly took it, snuggling as close as I could in his blanket while staring at his hand.

Around 11 I decided to make myself look as decent as I could and in that half an hour, he passed. I received a text from my dad reading “please come now.” I vividly remember standing there thinking, “okay, deep breaths…this could be the moment that changes everything.” Oh how I was wrong. This was actually the sneeze before the flu. 

The next hours seemed to pass by without me really noticing. We all shared stories and I shared about the time when we were talking on the phone and he asked me “you know what kind of aids old people have?” Thinking he had totally gone off his rocker I nervously asked “What kind?” and he replied “Hearing aids, band-aids, roll-aids” Let me tell you, that was not what I was expecting. Anyways, as everyone laughed, we collected his things and left. Of course, one of the items were his dentures. My dad joked about it and that afternoon at lunch, he gave them to my aunt martha who gasped. Little chuckles filled the room and soon, we were all departing for our slow ride back. 

I was so tired and wanted nothing more than to get home to curl up and drift off to sleep. As we left, my dad called our neighbor to have them take out the dog. As he was giving them instructions, I told my dad to make sure to have them put a leash on her so she wouldn’t run away. My message never got delivered. As we pulled into the driveway, I turned off the car  and that was when my dad turned to me and said “You have been very strong this week, but I need you to be stronger for just a little bit longer.”

Rosemary came out of her garage and said how sorry she was and I could see the despair in her eyes. Immediately I said, “Don’t be, she would have done this for anyone.” In that moment, I thought about how I would feel and knew it wasn’t her fault. What would make me feel worse is if she took blame for it.

We spent the next five hours wandering the streets and business buildings looking for her. I was sure she would come home. 

It has been a year since then and I try not to lose faith. I pray every day to God that she comes home, but more importantly that she knows how much we love her and miss her and to not be scared. I ask grandma and grandpa to look over her and protect her. 

I don’t think I ever got to grieve for my grandpa and instead went right into panic. 

I miss them so much and don’t want Ripley to be in any pain, that’s my biggest fear. 

I stand by my statement a year ago….april 5th can suck my dick :)

3/13/13 Great Opportunities Cause Hard Choices

How do I tell Katie that I don’t want to live with her next year because I am worried about a relapse of this past year. I still want to be her friend but at the same time, I think if we lived together next year we would not end up as friends. I want to live with Lauren next year because it will allow me to enjoy my sophomore year and really meet new people. I think living with Katie will limit me and my abilities. I just hope I am making the right choices and the right thing for myself. That being said, I can’t wait to see what the future holds for me. I just met with a study abroad adviser and I could be studying abroad as soon as this time next year. This scares the shit out of me. What if I can’t be away for that long or what if I can’t find my classes. Not only would this mean that I can’t do it, but then how am I supposed to do this as my job. This scares me and gives me so much anxiety because I’m not sure if I can handle it. Or even worse, what if I get there and don’t make any friends? Then no only am I a failure but I am also a failure with no friends. Gahh have I mentioned how scared I am? It excites me so much but I’m not sure if I am ready for this. Please, wish me luck! 

2/16/13 Things I could never say to you

I know I was the one the broke up with you and I knew things would be different the last time we kissed. Both of us had tears streaming down our face and with every ounce of hope lost, our lips touched ever so softly and  in that moment, my heart broke.

We were just at different places and I didn’t want to put you through my questioning. I questioned everything and I never just said “fuck it, we’ll see where this goes.” Instead I got in my head and thought too much. I wasn’t being fair to you and that’s why I had to break up with you.

If I’m being honest, it hasn’t hit me until now, until I can visibly see you move on and be happy. And don’t get me wrong, I am so happy for you. You deserve the world and I couldn’t give it to you, no matter how hard I tried, it just wasn’t in the cards. 

I miss you so much, and if you ever read this just know how much you mean to me. I remember us laying on a hill in heritage park next to each other and that grumpy women giving us a bad look. I remember you getting me a present on sweetest day, even though I didn’t even remember it was sweetest day. I remember you driving over to my house and just making out with each other on my family room floor, listening for the footsteps. I remember going to the Michigan game and tailgating before with your family. And most importantly, I remember how good of a guy you are. I have never met anyone with a bigger heart than you and I long for that. Maybe that’s not fair, but I get so lonely and you have always treated me with respect, in times that maybe I didn’t deserve it. 

I’m sorry for what I put you through and I wish I could take it back, but I wanted to be honest with you and not hide anything. For me, the best way to do that was to let you go be happy and find someone who deserved your undying love and affection. I’m sorry I wasn’t that person and you mean the world to me. I miss you and your family. You helped me learn so much about myself and I am so happy you were in my life.

 

Remember Your Goals
There’s only One Tree Hill

Being the stubborn son of a bitch I am, I find it best to cope with everything by myself because there’s always someone out there who is hurting much worse than I am. But I’m not strong enough for this. I shouldn’t have gone that week. If I had stayed Ripley wouldn’t have run away, and I would most likely be fine. I admit to not being strong enough to be at that hospital and it kills me because if anything, I should be proud. But then, that would be turning the light on myself and we all know that’s nearly impossible for me to do. I miss them like crazy and all I wanna do is cut, to get rid of this unbearable pain.   Mission denied.

In the cliche way, I look back at pictures and I think how much smaller I was back then, even when I thought I was at my worst, weight of course. Whether or not that’s true, I was happy and that made me look a million times better. I fake it all the time and I see right through it. All I want is a boyfriend. Wow, I sound like such a girl, huh? I just want someone to look after me and not force me to tell them everything, instead they would just sit there and hug me and in that moment, I would feel perfectly safe, not broken, not scarred. But right now I feel useless, like I am the most disgusting piece of shit on Earth. And then that brings me to the whole self pity thing. Honestly, I’m not trying to pity myself, but I feel so damn guilty about the way I think, like I should dig my head out of my ass and move on. Move on from Cameron, move on from Andy, and all their worthless bullshit. For once, I’m gonna be strong enough to move on and get on with my life. But how do I do that when I can’t even control cutting myself. That’s basically like saying oh hey you’re not gonna walk all over me, but hey I will make myself bleed but that’s perfectly fine. That’s pretty fucked up, huh? 

I just want that guy like Lucas Scott, or the changed Nathan Scott. Hell Ed Sheeran would be pretty cool too. I just fill my mind with a bunch of fantasies of this perfect relationship, but that’s all manufactured. Cause lets be real, guys at Central are immature assholes. Can I get a hell yeahhh. 

I know I know, with an attitude like that, how am I ever gonna find someone? Well it clearly worked for Peyton. She had this whole mystery, deep vibe that I so wish I had. I constantly go back and forth with who I am and who I think I am and settle in the middle, that grey area of nothing. And that’s where I have remained for about three years now. 

This just sounds like a load of shit, no really it does. 

oh and on a side note, 

Brookyln, Peyton, Gavin

yeahh nothing like planning my wedding and kids names.

Before I forget, I would love to have Polaroids taken throughout my wedding and hung up. 

12/20/12

Who the fuck jokes about a school shooting. There are 26 families who’s lives have severely changed because a coward decided to go into that school. This world is crumbling down, school’s are where you go to get your education and start your future, not a place to end it. Stop the jokes, grow up and start the change.

11/25/12 Giving Thanks

I am so very thankful for everything I have

  • My loving family
  • Money to further my education
  • health
  • work
  • the British culture in general
  • God
  • music
  • friends
  • memories
  • car
  • laptop
  • noise reducing headphones
  • a place to sleep
  • 2 roofs over my head
  • clothes
  • food
  • water
  • all the things that I actually don’t need but am lucky enough to have
10/8/12 And the journey begins…on November 25th…

The way you make me feel is incredible

Can’t concentrate…be back 

Ayyoo, I’m back!

So I really can’t recall where I was going with this post, however I can only guess it was going to be about you. I should have been done with you months ago, but for some inexplicable reason I just can’t seem to shake you from my heart. This causes severe problems, you see. For starters, I have given you the control of my body. Sitting here writing this, I feel the squirms taking over all of my insides and nausea is slowly creeping in, not to mention the nervous shits….The fact that I drove myself right into hell by going to your place and how I don’t even regret it shows just how much I care about you. However, this scares the shit out of me because I hate giving someone that control over me, especially someone like you. You say all the right words, but you have never been able to back them up. That night when we cuddled distracted me from the inevitable torture of my roommate as well as the inevitable feeling that would soon take over. I can’t stop thinking about that night and how you rubbed my back until I fell asleep, how our hands intertwined, allowing the soft stroke of your thumb on the palm of my hand to sooth me, sending little tingles up and down my body. The way you held me, how you squeezed me into your body and buried your head into my neck. I knew better than to believe it, however, in that moment, I had never felt so secure and at peace than I have in a long time. I long to find that tranquility again, to embrace it and never let it go. I guess that’s why I feel this attachment towards you. You give me this sense of security that I have been missing. Given the circumstances, I suppose I should truly leave you alone. This really isn’t an option for me. Even if it means to just be friends, I would settle. Because in the end, I would much rather have you as a friend than as someone I used to like. But in all honesty, can a guy and a girl really just be ‘just friends’. I sure as hell couldn’t…not when it comes to you. I am torn between whether or not to talk to you, or let you chase me. The only issue with the second option is I’m deathly afraid that you won’t chase me. I can’t seem to find the happy medium between chasing and being chased. One thing is for certain….I am not ready to give up on you. 

8/3/12 My Journey

I wanna travel, to go places where people have no idea who I am, to start over. I don’t wanna live a life of what ifs and wishes. I wanna be the person that people envy, to document my travels and get paid for it. I don’t wanna just sit here and deal with life, I want to enjoy it, every last part of it. As I sit hear doubting that my dreams will ever come true, I wonder if its the silent fear of rejection, of someone telling my that I am no good at what I wanna do. I wish I could just skip this in-between phase of the unknown and start my career of travel and photography, of meeting people who have seen it all to those who’ve seen nothing. I just wanna go, the anxiety of sitting here and not starting is becoming overbearing.